What we deserve
by Miraculous Potterhead
Summary: Blue doesn't come to simon at the ferris wheel, he isn't ready to be outed yet end not that publically either. But he reaches out to Simon in another way, will it be too late or will Simon forgive him?


**Based on the movie verse. I wrote this because I think Bram deserves to come out to the world when he wants to and not to safe Simon. I hope you enjoy. Please give me feedback in the comments (if you want). Also come fangirl with me over this amazing movie (and book) (again only if you want to).  
** **This will also be posted on wattpad, a3o, the LGBT amino and the Love, Simon amino.**

Bram's POV:  
I tend to avoid the creek secrets tumblr to much gosip for my liking. Specially after the post about Simon, sweet Simon with his everlasting bed head hair and his moon-gray eyes. But when I hear everyone talking about a post he made to Blue, to me, I can't help but rush over to my laptop as soon as I get home.

Immediately I feel so conflicted. I don't want to disappoint Simon, not after everything he's been through, but I'm not ready to come out. I just can't do it. I'm not ready for my whole world to change, that's how Jacques phrased it. Jacques with his fragmented sentences, who is Simon with the moon gray eyes, who will be waiting for me in the ferris wheel, who wants me to come to him. He loves me, he actually loves me. But there will be people watching, and I'll be out to the world, I'm not ready for that.

I just now realized that I left my desk and was now was pacing in through room. From my desk to my bed and back.

Also, what if Simon doesn't like me, what if he's disappointed it's me. What if he's angry at me for deleting my email. He will be, he has all right to, he needed me and I abandoned him. He has all right to be angry at me. I can't face him now. I can't handle him being angry at me.

I fall down on my bed and groan. I want to fix this, I NEED to fix this, for Simon but also for Jacques and Blue and whatever it is that we had or still have. Because he's not only my email best friend but I like him, a lot. And he said he likes me too, he likes Blue at least.

I need a plan, something to reach out to Simon, but it can't be public not really.

I sit down at my desk again. Staring into the black screen of my laptop until I get an idea. It's kind of stupid, and I don't even know if it'll work. But I have to try.  
I open internet and go to gmail and create a new email account and quickly compose an email then delete the email again.

The following days I kept writing, editing and deleting emails. It just never sounds right or I can't get myself to send it.  
I think I'm scared he deleted his email as well. Or maybe that he doesn't believe it's really me. Or that he's too angry at me to read the email. There's too much that can go wrong, too much for him to be angry about.

The day of the play, and thus the day he'll be waiting for me, is getting closer and closer but no email is leaving my inbox towards Jacques', to Simon's

When I see him in class or on lunch break, my heart hurts for him. He sits alone, not wanting to sit with us and not talking to anyone. Sometimes I get the urge to just walk up to him and tell him, he looks so scared and broken. But I never do, I'm too much of an coward. Simon really deserves better than this.

It's the night of the play. Leah, Nick, Garrett and I go to watch it. After the play, the others are going to go to the carnival. Leah and Nick are going to take Simon and Abby there and Garrett offered to take me there too but I refused. I told them I wasn't feeling well. It's true, I'm nauseated. I'm nervous and guilt fills my head. Simon is on his way to the ferris wheel now and I'm hiding, I'm running away. The least I can do is go out there and be there as a friend. But I can't handle that. I'm not brave enough, I'm not as brave as he thinks I am.

I sit down at my desk again automatically I open my gmail and open new draft. Then I stare at the white screen for a few minutes before I start typing.

 _FROM: bluegreen.118 at gmail . com_  
 _TO: frommywindow1 at gmail . com_  
 _DATE: 15 Jan at 10:04 PM_  
 _SUBJECT: Words can't describe how sorry I am_

 _Dear Jacques, Dear Simon,_

 _I know you're on the ferris wheel now, and you probably won't read this until after you get home or even in the morning and maybe never, you could've deleted this email address after I did. I meant to email you as soon as I saw your post but I couldn't. Everything I wrote sounded stupid and there were too many thing you could be angry about. I know waiting this long only adds to that list of things you should be mad at me for. I'm sorry for being such a coward._

 _When I saw your post on creeks secrets I felt really flattered you'd go that far for me. But I couldn't meet you at the ferris wheel today. I'm not ready to be out to the world yet, I hope you understand._

 _I'm also scared that you'll be disappointed it's me. I'm nothing special; and you deserve the best. I just couldn't handle the humiliation of being rejected in front of the whole school. And I know you said you couldn't think of a scenario where you don't want to kiss me but I think I've found it. I wouldn't want to kiss me either after all that I've done._

 _I'm so sorry I deleted my email and left you when you needed me the most, I freaked out and I wasn't thinking. Please forgive me but I'll understand if you don't, I hurt you and I'm terribly sorry for that._

 _I can't say I'm sorry enough for what I did and I want to make it up to you. So in this moment of stupid bravery I decided I want you to know who I am. That is if you still want to know._

 _Maybe we could meet somewhere, or not, you decide._

 _I can't believe I'm actually going to send this one. But you deserve the truth Simon, you really do and I hope you can forgive me for being a coward._

 _Love,_  
 _Blue_

 _PS: I love the way you smile like you don't realize you're doing it. I love your perpetual bed head. I love the way you hold eye contact a moment longer than you need to. And I love your moon-gray eyes. So if you think I'm not attracted to you, Simon, you're crazy._

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, and quickly press send before I can start over thinking every word. As soon as I see a small pop up in the top my screen with message send I get even more nauseated.

"What did I do?" I mutter, feeling the regret flowing through me already.  
I decided to go to sleep but after 30 minutes of tossing and turning I just give up. I keep checking my phone every few seconds and I don't think I'll get any sleep tonight.

Simon's POV:  
He didn't show up. He left me alone. When all my tickets were used and even the ones Martin bought me were all out, I stepped out of the ferris wheel and I saw all my classmates looking at me, most with pity in their eyes, few are even crying. Leah, Nick and Abby give me a gigantic group hug and I feel like crying. And then I do and as soon as the first tear leaves my eye I can't stop. My friends guide me to a more secluded spot, away from the prying eyes, away from the pity others feel for me.

Leah, who actually isn't much of a hugger, holds me close. Abby sits down besides me and places her head on my shoulder as well. And Nick is being Nick. He stands awkwardly near us but doesn't really know what to do. And I just keep crying, it's nice to get it all out; the fear, the disappointment, the anxiety, everything is coming out.

I don't know how long I've cried but eventually I calm down.  
"Can- can we go home?" I ask, my voice sounds broken.  
Leah nods, "I'll take you home, Si."  
"Thanks." my voice barely a whisper.

On the way home, no one says a word, we drop Abby and Nick of at Nick's house and Leah continues the way to mine.

"Si?" She asks "Do you want me to stay over?"  
I slowly nod.  
Leah only hums in response.

The rest of the way home we're silent again. But it's not an awkward silence, there's nothing we need to say so there's nothing we're saying.

Luckily my parents are already sleeping when we get there and after leaving a quick note that Leah is staying over we go to my room and fall down on my bed.

A few times I try to say something but every time I stop my sentence and stay silent again.  
"Si," Leah whispers, "you don't have to talk about it. But if you want to I'll listen."  
I turn sideways to face her. "Thanks, you're the best Leah." Then I give her a weak smile, it's the best I can muster but at least it's genuine.  
Leah smiles back "I try" she jokes, I actually let out a little laugh.

It's nice and safe, hanging out in my room with Leah, like nothing changed but things have changed but everything changed all the same.

We lay there in silence for a few minutes before I start talking again.  
"I- I really thought he'd show up, I really hope he did, even if he doesn't think I'm attractive, I could deal with that. But he's also one of my best friends. And I just feel so alone but he left me and doesn't want to talk to me." I sigh before continuing "He's always so careful, with everything, his words, what he does, he'd never forgive me for letting our emails get leaked. I don't even know why I tried." Tears start welling up in my eyes again.

Then I quickly stand up and walk towards my desk, I pick up my laptop before turning back to Leah "Do you want to read the emails?" I ask hesitantly.  
She shakes her head, "No, Simon, they're yours and Blue's and they should've only belonged to the two of you to begin with."

I nod but I still take my laptop to my bed. I still don't know why I decide to do it. I feel like reading the emails again. I don't really know why. But I know I can't be angry at him, even if I tried to and trust me, I did. I wanted to yell at him for leaving me, for being such a coward, for everything, but I understand. I understand that he freaked out. I understand he didn't want to come out, I understand that there were too many people. There were are plenty of times over the week where I was all alone at school where he could've approached me. And he didn't but I still understand why. It would've been awkward and it was still on school grounds.

Leah scoots up to sit next to me, she's playing with Bieber who just entered my room. When I open my gmail gasp and she looks up. "What's wrong Si?" She asks.

I stare at my laptop for a few seconds before replying, "He- he send me an email while I was in the ferris wheel. What do I do?"  
I'm freaking out. I don't know if I should be relieved or scared. I'm just confused.  
Leah sits up a little straighter, "Open it!" She whisper yells at me.

"I don't know Leah, I'm scared. Could- could you read it first? What if it's a prank, what if he's angry? I can't do this." I close my eyes and push my face into her shoulder.  
"Si, calm down, I'll read it if that's what you really want."  
I nod "Please.."

I hand my laptop to her and take Bieber of her lap to cuddle with him while Leah reads the email.

Leah's POV:  
As soon as I installed myself a little more comfortable with Simon's laptop I see the huge amount of emails and I'm not saying 10 or 20 emails huge but like huge with an capital H huge. There are at least 25 conversations all with at least 5-10 emails in it. I can't help but mumble "You weren't kidding when you said you two talked a lot."

I only get a hum as reply so open the most recent one and notice the change in email address. It's small but it's obvious. I don't know why Blue changed his email but it's not important.

As I scan through the email I can see every word is filled with regret and hesitation, but also with love and care.  
I look to my left when I finish reading and I see Simon anxiously waiting for me to say something.  
"It's a lovely email, I think you should read it."

I hand Simon his laptop back and Bieber somehow ends up on my lap again. As Simon reads the email I study his expression. I can see his whole body tense before he takes a deep breath and starts reading.

His facial expression goes from hesitation to a more furrowed face, he's annoyed, then he looks frustrated before his whole body relaxes and he sighs, it's a relieved kind of sigh.

Then he smiles at me. Correction, he beams at me, relieve plastered all over his body language.

"He wants to meet me, Leah! He actually wants to meet me! I can't believe this."  
"Sooo... You're not mad at him?" I hesitantly ask.  
"No. How could I. I understand why he didn't come to me tonight, it's way to public. And he said he likes me. I can't wait!" His voice is getting louder with every word. I put my finger in front of my lips to make him tone down his voice a little. He nods and whisper yells at me "Leah, you have to help me, where should we meet? What should I wear? Does it count as a date? Please, Leah, you're good at this stuff safe me."

I chuckle softly, "Are you going to be such a mess every time you're going to go on a date or something else?"  
Simon blushes "No, I promise, I won't." He protests.  
I just raise my eyebrow and give him the Leah scepticism look TM.  
"Honestly I- okay maybe I will, probably." He admits his defeat "Just help me now okay."

Together we compose a reply to Blue. Okay admittedly it's more me than Simon because he rejects everything and can't even think straight, pun intended.

 _FROM: frommywindow1 at gmail . com_  
 _TO: bluegreen.118 at gmail . com_  
 _DATE: 16 Jan at 00:29 PM_  
 _SUBJECT: Re:Words can't describe how sorry I am_

 _Dear Blue,_

 _I was so shocked when I got your email. I didn't think I'd ever talk to you again._

 _Yes yes yes, I definitely want to meet, I want to know who you are. I want to talk to you. And you may think it's weird but I still really want to kiss you._

 _How does Waffle house sound? Tomorrow at 9:30 AM. We could get breakfast together._

 _Also, I forgive you, I honestly don't know how I couldn't. Coming out is freaking scary, and I put you in an uncomfortable situation where you had to choose between me and your secret. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking and I was desperate, I didn't know how else to reach out to you._

 _You're so important to me blue, you have no idea._

 _Love,  
_ _Simon_

We hit the send button and I give Simon a big hug, "I'm so happy for you, Si.  
"Yea, me too." He sighs and falls backwards on his bed. "I just can't believe this is really happening Leah, I was getting ready to let him go and now I don't have to. It's freaking awesome."

We keep talking for a little until I drift off to sleep but I suspect Simon from refreshing his email way too often while he knows Blue is probably sleeping already and he should too.

Bram's POV:  
I'm very tired, I know I should get some rest and check my email in the morning but my brain can't shut up so I lie in my bed staring at the ceiling and refreshing my email on my phone.

I don't expect an email this late at night but suddenly I see that I have one new email from . I've never clicked on a link faster but as soon as I open it I drop my phone to my chest. What if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, what if he's really angry at me. My chest tightens and I feel nauseated again.

Slowly I turn my phone screen back to me and I start reading. The email is short so I finish it quickly. I start grinning like an idiot. He wants to meet me, he wants to meet me tomorrow morning. Simon isn't mad at me and he wants to meet me tomorrow for breakfast.

I quickly reply to him that I'll be there before finally falling asleep feeling all giddy and excited.

The next morning I wake up before my alarm. I open my closet to look for some clothes that will be appropriate for our date. Is it even a date? I don't know and I forgot to ask. I don't even care. I'm just excited about meeting him though it makes me nervous too.

When I get down my mom is already working on her laptop even though it's a Saturday. I tell her I'm going out for breakfast and she yell back to stay safe.

I'm in my car on my way to Waffle House and I get more nervous with the second, doubts filling my head again.

But when I arrive and I see Simon sitting in a booth near the back of the window I know why I'm doing this. He looks around nervously for someone to approach him and he looks just as nervous as I feel. I quickly get out of my car and walk towards the entrance of the restaurant.

Simon looks up when the door opens and I wave at him, he gives me a small hesitant wave back.

As I arrive at his booth I ask "Can I sit there?"  
He nods "Sure, I was kind of waiting for someone though."  
I smile, "I know."  
His eyes go commicaly wide, I can see he's surprised, "Y- you're Blue?"  
"Yea, crazy hu?" I say a small smile forming on my lips.

We were silent for a little before I get the courage to ask "Are you disappointed it's me?"  
His eyes go soft, he shakes his head "No, I'm not."  
There was another silence that was broken by our waitress asking if we wanted to order.

So we both ordered our waffles before falling back into this silence that was neither awkward nor comfortable.

Our waffles arrive so we just talk, about things we couldn't before, we talk about anything and everything. Both of us are ignoring, or at least trying to ignore, the elephant in the room.  
"What now?" Simon asks, "What do you want?"  
"I don't know," I answer honestly, "I really like you but I'm not ready to be out just yet."  
"I really like you too bram" He says softly before taking a deep breath and continuing, "So what are we then?"  
"I'm all in if you are."  
"So, boyfriends?" Simon questions  
"Yes, boyfriends, I like the sound of that."  
He nods, "I know you said that you didn't want to come out just yet but can we tell our friends at least? Leah will figure me out within seconds."  
I laugh, "Maybe you just can't lie, Simon. But yea, that sounds like a plan."

"Great." Simon pauses for a second, "Can..." his voice cracks a little "Can I kiss you?"  
I just nod, and then he's leaning forward, and I'm leaning forward and it's an awkward kind of kiss; the table is in the way and so are our noses but we make it work. Then I pull away and smile at Simon, and he smiles back at me.

"Can we call this a date then?" I ask him.  
Simon smiles even wider "Yes, a date it is"


End file.
